My name is signed on the dotted line. My tuition is paid. I WILL participate in the Artistpreneurs program starting in August! I’m so amazed to be at this point, and grateful beyond words for the support that has been given to allow me to get to this point.
But even before the program begins, life is presenting me with interesting opportunities to think about what I want, in what direction I’m headed, and what perspective I want to hold as I move through the next phase.
I have approximately one year of for-sure employment ahead, with a salary, benefits, a desk, a title, the whole package. After that, nothing is certain. It’s up to me to figure out what I do, where I go. And so I’m brainstorming. Searching. Thinking through possibilities. Talking to people. Writing. Downloading applications. Listening to my gut. And talking some more.
Through all of it, I’m noticing some patterns. One of them is the tendency to frame my situation in the negative. For example, something inside tells me my life / career path / ability to know what I want is broken, and therefore I must find a way to fix it. If I don’t do SOMETHING, and do it NOW, I’m going to miss out and end up, I don’t know, homeless? And why haven’t I “gotten there” already (even though I don’t yet know where “there” is!)? That tends to be the mindset I have: Broken. Inadequate. Probably fucked.
Well, I’m over it! I’m tired of that way of thinking! I’m tired of fixing. I’m tired of coming from a place of deficit. I’m tired of making decisions based on perceived lack. I’m tired of feeling like have to fight, struggle, scramble, scrape something together. I’m seriously over it!
And so today I plant my first flag. And I plant it in the Garden of Acceptance. True acceptance. RADICAL self acceptance. This is me, and this is where I’m at. My life path has brought me to this moment, and there’s nothing wrong with any of that! I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. There’s nothing wrong with me. Nothing wrong with being in a place of “figuring it out.” Nothing wrong with being on an adventure, with searching, probing, exploring. There’s no place I’m “supposed” to be right now, except here! There’s nothing to be fixed, no puzzle to be solved. Nothing to fight for. Nothing to prove. There’s only possibility. Possibility for growth, for evolution, for advancement.
I plant my flag in the Garden of Acceptance. I look upon my past and see progress, not deficit. I look upon my future and see an abundance of possibilities. I look upon now, and I see that things are good. Not perfect, never perfect, but pretty freakin’ awesome. And I’m excited! The Garden of Acceptance is a peaceful place. Serene. There’s nothing to fret about, no need for worry or desperation. No struggle. Just love.